Sunday, October 30, 2005

Some light relief - The Yankees try to emulate Nomar

Nomar saves two in Boston Harbour...

Gary Sheffield wouldn't risk his health for two girls in a harbour. He needs to keep his body in shape for October.
Hideki Matsui would rescue the girls, then refuse to accept any praise until the harbour froze over and no more girls could drown.
Bernie Williams would try to save the girls, but he wouldn't reach them in time.
Bubba Crosby would swim like crazy to save the girls, but the crashing waves would distract him, and he'd swim right into one of the girls and knock her out. He would recover, though, and save the other girl.
Jason Giambi would swim out a bit, get lost, and flail around while he tried to remember how to swim. He'd then swim so fast he created a rip tide, and then swim against the rip tide successfully to bring the girls back in.
Tino Martinez wouldn't even get the chance to save the girls. He'd have to watch Giambi do it.
Robinson Cano would swim out, reach the girls in record time, then swim them back to a deserted island.
Derek Jeter would save them both in incredibly dramatic fashion, while half of Boston mutters about how they could've also done it in their sleep.
Alex Rodriguez might be able to save them, but he might also be too traumatized from the experience of saving the kid in Boston. He'd probably have to call his therapist while the girls drowned.
Jorge Posada would yell for a liferaft, then throw it straight to the girls.
John Flaherty would try to throw a raft out to the girls, too, but he wouldn't be able to reach them and they'd drown.
Ruben Sierra would dive into the water while everyone cheered for him, then drown miserably.
Tony Womack would dash across the water's surface to reach the girls, then realize just too late that he doesn't have enough skill to actually pull the girls out of the water and drown.
Randy Johnson would have to make sure the water temperature was just right, his body had just enough rest, and the distance from the shore to the girls was to his liking. Also, John Flaherty would have to watch.
Carl Pavano WOULD save them, but, y'know, his shoulder...
Jaret Wright would go out to save them, then get hit in the head by three crabs, a shark, and a passing fisherman's boat and drown.
Kevin Brown would flounder out halfway, then drown while complaining about his back. In the process, he would also punch a wave and break his wrist on the force of the water.
Mike Mussina would agonize so long over the exact angle and velocity required to reach the girls that they would drown before he even got in the water.
Chien-Ming Wang would stand there and watch Pavano and Wright botch up their attempts, then jump in and save both girls.
Shawn Chacon would save the girls, but on the way back, he'd be blocked off by the rest of the Yankees trying to do the same. Thus foiled by his own teammates, he and the girls would drown.
Aaron Small would raise his arms, levitate the girls out of the water, and fly them in to shore.
Al Leiter would keep swimming around the girls and would never actually reach them.
Scott Proctor MIGHT save the girls in amazing fashion, but it's more likely he'd drown before he got halfway to them.
Tanyon Sturtze would swim out to the girls, showing amazing swimming form, then flounder and drown on the way back.
Felix Rodriguez would slip on the sand and break his arm.
Tom Gordon would swim out, keep the girls' heads above water, then wait for Rivera to swim out and save them all.
Mariano Rivera would grab Tom Gordon and the girls, then swim farther out to sea, where he would also rescue three children, a newlywed couple, and a crusty old sea dog who lost his leg while wrestling a shark. He would then bring them all to shore in miraculous fashion, but he wouldn't get the recognition he deserved because he wasn't swimming in the water for the whole day like Mark Buehrle, Bartolo Colon and Johan Santana were.
Joe Torre would let the girls stay out in the water too long and drown, then throw Alan Embree into the harbour to drown as well.

Not written by me alas but full credit goes to a guy called Scott, who wrote it and I found it on a girl called Sally's LiveJournal.

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